Dear Spiders
Freyja (Grade 10 / Avalon) Originally published May 2004It appears that you are back on your yearly visit; however,
this year there will be a new set of ground rules.
- Stay on the ceiling where I can see you. I really don’t mind if you’re there as long as you’re up high and I don’t have to deal with you.
- Please don’t move when I am looking at you, it creeps me out.
- I’m totally cool with you living in my sister’s room and in the living room and what not, just try as hard as you possibly can to stay out of my room.
- Your rent checks will be due the first of every month, please try not to be late.
- I want you out by the end of October. Not like last year where some of you stuck around until late January and I had to keep dealing with those damn cocoons you make everywhere.
- Use nest control, because if you get even the slightest word you are mass-reproducing in the house or on the grounds it will mean war!
- If any of you pull that, hiding in the toilet paper, towels, washcloth, or folded clothes stuff, please just be aware that even though I’m trying so hard to use my “one with the universe” ways, if any of that stuff happens, you will be squashed.
- Stay away from the bathroom in the morning. If you crawl around there when I’m groggy, it’s pretty likely that I will pick up the first bottle of Clorox that’s closest to me and spray you.
- Lastly, if you’re inviting friends over, do it when I’m not home and only your buddy ants please. I know you don’t hang out with roaches or anything, but I don’t want them in my house.